I swear I was going to.....

Blow my head off out of a need to get even with life...Every time I start having a little bit of peace.there I go putting my self into harms way...My previous Blogs were out of hurt and pain..for some strange reason this Woman contacted me again and we supposedly were reconciling,even though I knew deep down inside I shouldn't have....Yesterday it came to a head when I called her,she was acting strange,she said she had company and then hung up...me like an ass called back to her voicemail and preceded to berate and belittle her in a rage..I then went to her home to commit an act of violence,the dude didn't come out so after ranting and raving like a lunatic I left.....I am now threatened with the fact that I may be killed at anytime...and you know what, I don't even care anymore...Peace World...I'm in pain right now.....

I got a text today....

And it was from my ex...the message was about how she loved me but she didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore....at first I felt like How dare she? but after a little more reading I realized that I was dealing with a confused person...All I ever did was be a friend to this woman...First off,she had 5 children by 3 different Fathers who didn't give a dam about them...2nd,I didn't allow that to decide my feelings,I was there putting food on the table,giving out more hugs and kisses than anything to these children....I saw it as an opportunity to give back,since I was neglected as a child,abused mentally and physically,I felt this need to be there for them...In turn it was a ruse...I was just being used...I have been hurt so much that it seems 2nd nature for me to continue to get hurt by others....I thought that I was a spiritual person...I thought that my relationship with God was solid...and it is...I now recognize that God allows these things to happen to strengthen us..to build character,I just wish that I didn't have to suffer through the pain of it all...This is my 2nd blog entry and the hurt has not diminished but I guess with continued writing and prayer from my people,I'll find a way out..just for today..I love me and regardless of what others have done to me...I believe that my blessing is coming soon....Peace People....

Sometimes I feel...

like I will never find the right Woman,I at one time felt that it was Ok to be alone..I have my own everything,my daughter is doing well,so what is it? My rationale for being in a relationship is..that I don't want to die alone,but it seems like that's the way it's going to go down..I've been in 2 relationships in the past year that were cool in the beginning,I actually shared some of my pain through tears with these Women believing that being honest and open in the beginning would bring about some type of trust...I want to say that I regret it,but I don't...regardless of their ignorance to life I was able to cleanse my soul of the hurt that I have been carrying for 40 years...I remember the saying (a Family that Prays together stays together)I was at the point of waking up in the morning touching this Woman and thanking the most high for the opportunity to have someone who loved me unconditionally.To my amazement this was short lived...I read on one of my friends blogs that sometimes people are in your life for whatever reason it may be,maybe to enlighten you on what to avoid in the future...I really don't know...I guess that Love has truly evaded me for so long that in desperation I seek it,and the end result is Pain..The reason that I started this Blog is to Heal myself through sharing my Pain with anyone out there that can relate to what I'm going through...Regardless of the ignorance I will always stay true to the most high...and Be Careful Of What I Pray For.....God Bless...